


office groupchat from hell

by delphivisions



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Behavior, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon-Typical Worms, Chatting & Messaging, Everyone is Trans, Friendship, Jewish Martin Blackwood, Jon and Georgie Are Flatmates, M/M, Marijuana, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, SO MUCH TEA, Sasha James Lives, Tea, also because.... groupchat, incorrect use of british slang probably, it diverges from canon mostly because:, literally only in the first fucking chapter probably, probably, sorry... im not british, speaking that tag into existence, thank gd i can add that, the magnus archives is a workplace comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:09:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23640604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delphivisions/pseuds/delphivisions
Summary: Sasha !are you implying mr jonathan sims, stickler for rules,hasnt ever even said a SWEARhas done weedJonTIM
Relationships: Martin Blackwood & Sasha James & Jonathan Sims & Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added
Comments: 53
Kudos: 378





	1. it begins

**Author's Note:**

> wow! how come your mom lets you have TWO groupchat fics ina? the answer is she doesnt. i had to sacrifice the other in order to make this. it was 10 pages on docs. it seemed so much longer there. how
> 
> this very much isnt like my other chatfic (sorry to all the fma fans who liked it... i betrayed you) because this is. t. its actual texting. like Phone Messaging. ok. thats why the names are like that. primarily its going to be martin pov or indicated by the persons name and (you). fun! 
> 
> find me at @transmartinkblackwood for tma content and at @gaybard for my main
> 
> also, listen to the mechs. please. please. please. p

**Sasha !** _invited_ **Tim :)** , **Jon** _and_ **Martin (You)** _to the group chat._

4:14 PM

**Sasha !**

here it is !! 

**Tim :)**

****yessssss

**Jon**

Is there any particular reason why this group chat was created?

**Tim :)**

course boss!

so we can hang out and bond and stuff 

were the super cool archive team now! besides a group chat is always needed

**Jon**

Funny. There wasn't one when we were in Research.

**Tim :)**

oh lol

there was

you were just too much of an ass to get invited! 

either that or you properly spooked too many people when you stayed overtime and hadnt slept in 2 days lol

**Jon**

I'm so glad everyone's opinion for me is so high.

**Sasha !**

aww, cheer up boss!

youre in a groupchat now it cant be all that bad xx

**Jon**

That doesn't say anything about how exactly professional it is, though.

**Sasha !**

jonnnnnn

**Tim :)**

oh come off it boss, its harmless!!

isnt that right marto?

**You**

Marto??

**Tim :)**

new nickname i came up with its great right

**You**

I. Okay

I think the groupchat is fine,,,

It means we can… Socialize more? Outside of work too? And keep everyone on the same page I guess?

**Jon**

Hm. I suppose you actually have a point.

**Sasha !**

"actually" ouch boss 

**Tim :)**

thats harsh

**You**

Guys,,,

**Tim :)**

weve only just became coworkers we cant be insulting each other already come onnnnnnn

**Jon**

That's *not* what I meant. I wasn't trying to insult Martin at all. 

**Tim :)**

suure boss

**Jon**

Do you have to call me boss? We've worked in Research together for 3 years.

**Tim :)**

of course boss :)

**Jon**

.

Anyway. 

I do hope this group chat stays *professional*.

**Tim :)**

sure thing bossman

**Sasha !**

of course jon

**You**

Alright…

  
  


4:20 PM

**Tim :)**

420 

blaze it

**Sasha !**

OMG tim not even 10 minutes later

**Tim :)**

WHAT its 420!!! have to blaze it its in the law

**Jon**

What happened to professionalism? 

**Tim :)**

no professionalism when 420 is involved

you should know alllll about that jon

**Sasha !**

are you implying mr jonathan sims, stickler for rules,

hasnt ever even said a SWEAR

has done weed

**Jon**

TIM

**Tim :)**

im just saying 

when the guy gets sauced

he tells some crazy stories from his uni days

**Jon**

TIM I'M GOING TO FIRE YOU.

**Sasha !**

JON!

WHAT DO YOY MEAN YOUVE DONE A WEED WHAT THE FUCK

**Jon**

LANGUAGE.

**Sasha !**

WERE WELL PAST THAT NOW YOUVE DONE A WEED!

TIM TELL ME IMMEDIATELY EVERYTHING

**You**

Jons actually gotten drunk???

**Sasha !**

THE MAN HAS DONE WEED OF COURSE HES GOTTEN BLOODY SAUCED

**Jon**

I DENY ALL OF THIS.

**Sasha !**

ITS TOO LATE YOUVE OUTED YOURSELF 

JONATHAN SIMS: LOCAL POTHEAD

**Jon**

IM GOING TO FIRE ALL OF YOU

**Tim :)**

did you know

**Jon**

NO

**Tim :)**

that this absolute madlad

**Jon**

DON'T YOU DARE 

**Tim :)**

used to be

**Jon**

TIM

**Sasha !**

JESUS CHRIST JON IS THROTTLING TIM

**You**

What??????

Why do I always miss things while I'm making bloody tea

**Sasha !**

martoo do you mind making me some too pleaseeee <3 <3 <3 <3

**You**

Oh! Um I made some for everyone so of course,,,

**Sasha !**

martin youre a SAINT <3 <3 

also judging by how jon is dragging tim away tim wont be able to get his

**You**

It's our first day and someones already being killed…

I thought it was going to be me to be honest ,,,

**Sasha !**

youre doing your best 🥺🥺🥺🥺

**You**

Ahfbrbrnrbgn thanks,,

**Jon**

Tim has been reprimanded.

**Sasha !**

jesus jon what the hell

**Tim :)**

HES SO SHORT HOW COULD HE DRAG ME LIKE THAT

TERRIFYING

**Jon**

Some secrets need to stay hidden.

**Sasha !**

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO DURING UNI

**Tim :)**

i will be shot on sight if i say anything im so sorry

**Jon**

That was wildly unprofessional Tim.

**Tim :)**

STRANGLING ME WASNT????

**Sasha !**

LMAO STOP ACTING JON THERE IS NO WAY TO BE PROFESSIONAL NOW

WE KNOW YOUR DIRTY SECRET

**Jon**

You don't even know half of it actually.

**Sasha !**

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU IN A BLOODY BAND???

**Tim :)**

HES TRYING TO STRANGLE ME AGAIN I DIDNT SAY ANYTHING PLEASE HELP

**Sasha !**

I KNEWWWWWW ITTTTT

**You**

Dear lord what the hell is going on

**Sasha !**

JON WAS IN A BAND IN UNI

**You**

W

Really????

What band???

**Jon**

NONE

Nothing I was NOT in a band

Don't listen to ANYTHING Tim says.

**Tim :)**

ILL SACRIFICE MYSWLF

IT WAS CALLED THE MECHANISMS

HES COMING FOR MFNBGBG F 

**Sasha !**

IM CRYING ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL RIGHT NOW

I KNOW SO MUCH MORE ABOUT JON THAN I EVER DREAMED 

**You**

NO 

WAIT

THE MECHS?

YOU MEAN

**Sasha !**

YOU KNOW THEM MARTIN??

also are you coming back with the teaaaaaa <3 <3 <3

**You**

I'm coming back right now I have to take two trips… Not enough hands

And

Yes

I know of them

**Sasha !**

its your favorite band isnt it.

**You**

Yesit'smyfavoriteband

**Sasha !**

please

Please.

martin.

just for me.

tell me what jon does

**You**

He's the lead singer Jonny D'ville who is the captain of a starship called the Aurora and he tells the stories

**Sasha !**

NO REALLY??

JONNNNNN WHAT

**Jon**

I regret saying yes to becoming Head Archivist

**You**

I'mreallysorryohgod

I didn't mean to contribute honest,,

**Jon**

It's… Fine.

You… Really like the Mechs?

**You**

Yes! Even though it's over I always loved the retelling of all the stories and legends in a sci-fi tone? And reusing the tunes of old folk songs! I started listening early on after OUATIS was dropped and I wanted to see a show before it ended but I never had the time or the money,, I honestly love all of the albums but I've listened to UDAD, the ending was so satisfying for me, but I also really liked OUATIS because it was the first one you know? And it was so sad but like UDAD satisfying… But blimey there was also the Bifrost Incident and High Noon Over Camelot. I just, I liked how all of the stories didn't end with "And they lived happily ever after." It was real, you know?

I'm. Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to go on it's just, 

I really like the Mechs? I'm sorry 

**Jon**

No, no, it's fine.

It's nice to know someone still liked our stories.

Thank you.

**You**

Oh. 

Oh of course!!

Any time

I uh. I seriously liked it, Jon. Especially Jonny

**Jon**

Well, I'm just sorry I'm not at all interesting like him.

**You**

That's not true…!!!

From what I've learned you're loads interesting, Jon

You know, you were creative enough to make a band for God's sake!

That's,,, really interesting. 

**Jon**

Oh.

Thank you. Again.

**You**

Of course,,,!

**Sasha (You)** _to_ **Tim :PPP**

4:46 PM

**You**

did you fucking see that

did. you. FUCKING. SEE THAT

**Tim :PPP**

you mean the hardcore flirting happening by the love birds in the group chat?

OF FUCKING COURSE

**You**

holy shit

im honestly so

i thought jon was going to be an arse to martin! oh my god i cant believe that

**Tim :PPP**

bets on when they finally get together?

**You**

oh you are so on stoker.

**Tim :PPP**

20 pounds on it happening in at least 6 months

theyre so emotionally constipated theres no way it can happen before then 

**You**

youre right on the emotional constipation buti really think you give them too much credit tim

im betting its going to take them at least at least a year and a half or for supernatural reasons jon is going to save martin and in the process they confess their undying love together and they, idk, go off to scotland and look at cows

**Tim :PPP**

well thats specific

and NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN

be ready to pay up, james

ill be coming to collect in six months time when im RIGHT.

**You**

havent you heard tim?

i know everything

**Tim :PPP**  
as if

**You**

its true! i can even see ~the future~

**Tim :PPP**

i call bullshit

**You**

youll see when six months goes by and they still havent gotten together, stoker

mark my words

mark. my. words.


	2. april 13th huh...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> laptops on the fritz, tim and sasha conniving, the mysterious case of jons eternal moodswings, lots of tea... and also homestuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer if you dont like homestuck the entire half part of this may give you unbridled fury like it gave my bf. i have to say beforehand that the entire conversation about homestuck was not serious, i do not support homestuck or h*ssie, i will always clown on him, its just 413 and i had to write funny content. anyway yeah homestuck isnt uh... good by any means so please have faith that im not a total clown. if youre a homestuck fan sorry but im looking away. its not good. also the words "sea hitler" were used because someone clowns on homestuck and mentions it. just wanted to warn yall.

**Jon** _to_ **Tim :)** _,_ **Sasha !** _, and_ **Martin (You)** _._

10:47 AM

**Jon**

Sasha, would you be able to look at my laptop by any chance?

**Sasha !**

of course boss xx

mandatory question: have you tried turning on and off again?

**Jon**

Of course I have tried turning it off and on again.

**Sasha !**

alriiiight sorry boss i just had to make sure x

youre an old man after all. all these newfangled contraptions must be foreign to you

**Jon**

I’m not an old man.

**Tim :)**

you once pronounced lol as “el oh el” 

with your mouth

you said those words. in person. to me

**Jon**

How else are you supposed to pronounce it? It’s an acronym.

**Sasha !**

NOT like that!!! nothing like that!!! jesus youre like 30 something

actually how old are you boss im curious

**Jon**

Old enough.

**Sasha !**

hey jon?

what the hell?

**Tim :)**

you sound like a prepubescent girl trying to date a 20 year old when he asks her for her age

**Sasha !**

OH MY GODDDDDDDDDD YOURE RIGHT

IM CRYING

**Tim :)**

is she actually crying marto? 

lying isnt allowed in my holy archives and im flirting my way through a police station rn

**You**

She isnt

She laughed but shes just staring at her phone now

**Sasha !**

i cant believe you utterly betrayed my honor marto ):

how could you ):

i can never trust you again ):

**You**

Well, I have three cups of tea here.

I suppose one will just go cold...

  
**Sasha !**

im sorry i ever doubted you martin please i love your tea so much <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 xxx

**You**

I guess I’m only wanted for my tea… I see how it is…

**Jon**

YOUR archives, Tim?

**Tim :)**

i dont believe i stuttered boss

**Jon**

Update: you are fired. I am actively firing you. 

**Tim :)**

oh shit another tally for the board imagine im playing airhorn noises right now

that makes two times bossman has threatened to fire me this week!

**Jon**

How about another tally for swearing that I’ll definitely tell Elias about when he starts lurking around again?

**Tim :)**

dear GOD i beg for your forgiveness please boss

if i have to hear elias go off ONE MORE TIME because i whispered DARN under my breath im going to go absolutely MENTAL

**Jon**

Then beg.

**Tim :)**

CHRIST

**You**

JON.

**Sasha !**

you keep becoming more and more unhinged jon what the hell

**Jon**

Anyway.

My laptop?

**Sasha !**

oh right i was so distracted by your being a grandpa that i forgot that you actually had a problem

**Jon**

Yes well.

Whenever I try to record this statement, it refuses to record. The audio keeps coming out distorted.

**Sasha !**

oooh spooooooooooooky

sure it isnt just that one statement? xx

**Jon**

Why would it be this one statement?

**Sasha !**

because its obviously HAUUUUUUUNTED and the ghost haunting it doesnt like newfangled tech

just like you actually!

**Jon**

Thank you for implying I'm haunted, Sasha.

**Sasha !**

of course seeing as youre an old man its not that far off now is it xx

**Tim :)**

STONE COLD

**Jon**

Aren’t you supposed to be flirting with a police officer?

**Tim :)**

oh i did

totally got his number ;) ;)

and of course i got info related to the case. absolutely.

**Jon**

Of course you did. Because if you didn’t, I’d fire you so I wouldn’t be associated with the person who chose to flirt to get confidential information.

**Tim :)**

thats a third tally! we got a third tally everyone! sasha, mark it on the board!

**You**

Is it really the safest for Tim to be flirting for information in the first place,,?

**Tim :)**

dont worry marto ive got it covered ;)

**Jon**

Like I could stop him in the first place.

**Tim :)**

exactly! youre getting it boss!

**Jon**

*Anyway,*

I really don’t think the statement is haunted. It’s a piece of paper.

**Sasha !**

i doubt ghosts much care for what their vessel is

really, why would they be partial to any certain object?

seems kind of prejudiced to me...

**Jon**

Prejudiced.

Sasha, it's a bloody ghost.

**Sasha !**

so??? that doesnt mean that it cant be prejudiced! 

**Tim :)**

god boss how could you even think that

oh, are you prejudiced now as well?

**Jon**

What?

Am I having a stroke? 

**You**

Guys come on ): Jon is trying to get his laptop fixed,,

**Sasha !**

awwww we were just having some fun marto xxx

**You**

Were still working, you know, since its still work hours, 

**Tim :)**  
alright alright martos right

sorry boss

**Sasha !**

im sorry toooooo…...

ill take a look at your computer boss and see if i can fix it xx

**Jon**

Thank you, Martin.

**You**

Oh! Sure, of course, don’t worry about it!

**Tim :)**

alright there marto?

took you a bit to respond

**You**

Yesyes I’m fine I was just distracted for a bit haha

**Sasha !**

yes of course no worries martin

**Jon**

Yes well.

If that’s it, then I’d much like to go back to work, please.

**Sasha !**

on ittt

**Tim :)**

sure thing

**Tim (You)** _to_ **SASHA ;)**

10:59 AM

**You**

okay no marto was not just distracted was he

**SASHA ;)**

oh no

poor guy he was sat smiling at his phone for like 5 minutes

**You**

even though jon has been an arse more than usual today? 

**SASHA ;)**

i dont get it honestly, hes fine texting but the moment we stop its like he becomes an entirely different person

maybe it is the statements after all. hes always in a mood after he reads them…

**You**

of course, the statements are definitely spooky and haunted just like you said!

**SASHA ;)**

OF COURSE because im always right ;)

but no really, just went in there to take a look at his laptop, he was reading a statement and frowning

**You**

like a “i dont particularly like this but im also not that bothered” frown or “im utterly pissed off” frown

**SASHA ;)**

definitely the last one. he grumbled at me the nerve

you didnt see it earlier martin brought him tea and jon snapped at something totally mundane!

**You**

reckon the only time jon ever seems happy with martin is inside the groupchat 

**SASHA ;)**

yeah no kidding. and yet its utterly obvious that hes smitten its SO much more worse than i thought

**You**

i mightve been wrong after all...

**SASHA ;)**

so NOW youre playing a different tune? finally seeing the truth?

**You**

no bloody way! your prediction was practically the apocalypse bringing them together!

**SASHA ;)**

and what have we learned?

**You**

that under NO circumstances is sasha right ever. period.

im headed back to the institute, make sure jon doesnt go mental and start accusing martin of like murder

**SASHA ;)**

changing the subject i see…

and of course….. there is never peace without you tim…. we will wait forever for you to come back xxxx

**You**

damn right

**Tim :)** _to_ **Jon** _,_ **Sasha !** _and_ **Martin (You)**

2:01 PM

**Tim :)**

i dont know about you guys but i think itd be fair to say that weve grown close

like a family at his point, close as can be

**Jon**

Do people usually want to strangle family members?

**Tim :)**

oh absolutely!

**Sasha !**

you say that like you havent had a family jon …

**Jon**

My grandmother raised me on my own, I don’t know what else to say.

**Tim :)**

now as much as i want to unlock our boss’ super secret tragic backstory, theres something much more important at hand

**Jon**

Such as?

**Tim :)**

oh, you knowww 

we dont know each other all that well!

and i remembered a handy sort of thing to help us to, you know, understand each other a little better

**You**

What?

**Tim :)**

homestuck classpects!

**Sasha !**

christ ive never wanted to speak to you less in my life tim

**Jon**

What is Homestuck?

Or… ‘classpects’?

**Tim :)**

how can you possibly not know about homestuck! how do you expect to convince anyone that you arent secretly an old man sent back in time to inhabit your younger selfs body when you keep saying stuff like this!

marto please tell me you know what homestuck is

**You**

I’ve never heard of it.

**Sasha !**

liar???

**Tim :)**

could you be any more obvious marto?

**You**

I’m serious! I have no idea what you’re talking about!

**Tim :)**

keep telling yourself that marto

im a page of blood

**Sasha !**

you know i dont usually hate people.

i hate you in particular right now tim. for making me think of you running around in your pants.

**Tim :)**

:)

**Jon**

Again, what the hell is a Homestuck?

**Tim :)**

boss youre absolutely fucking hysterical

**Sasha !**

its a webcomic, jon

classpects represent your title in it. your class is your role and your aspect is one of the 12 building blocks of the universe 

**Tim :)**

you totally read that from the wiki

**Sasha !**

absolutely :)

**Tim :)**

nice

anyway, sasha whats yours

**Sasha !**

will you believe that ive never thought about it?

because i actually hate homestuck.

**Tim :)**

oh come off it!

sure the authors a creepy predator and theres loads of questionable stuff such as the sea hitler thing (sorry martin)

but the classpects are wicked you have to admit. the only good thing to come out of that bastard

**You**

I didn’t like the Condesce anyway. Already went uncomfortably into racist territory.

**Tim :)**

exactly!

also congratulations martin for accepting your past of being into homestuck

**You**

Oh, hell.

**Tim :)**

anyway im assigning you all classpects now

**Jon**

Why?

**Tim :)**

to get to know each other? duh?

also youre totally a mage of light

**Jon**

And what does that mean?

**Tim :)**

basically you get loads of knowledge… *but at what cost?*

**Jon**

With the state of the Archives, that seems rather correct.

**Tim :)**

knew youd get it boss

okay. sasha

i think youre a rogue of hope

**Sasha !**

oooh fancy ill take it xx

**Tim :)**

and finally,

sweet marto,

**You**

Please

**Tim :)**

it took me much contemplation,

**You**

I’m good, actually, thanks

**Tim :)**

but i have finally decided,

**You**

This isn’t necessary actually

**Tim :)**

you are a knight. of life!

**You** _have left the conversation._

**Tim >:(** _invited_ **Martin (You)** _to a group chat._

**Tim >:(**

sorry marto i didnt realize it was a sore subject

**You**

.

It’s fine. 

**Sasha !**

tim look what youve done you made him mad!!!

were sorry marto pleaaase dont stop making tea you know yours is the only kind i drink nowadays <3 <3 <3

**You**

I won’t stop making tea for everyone, I just never want to talk about Homestuck again.

**Sasha !**

you are forever merciful and kind

**Tim >:(**

that is absolutely creepy sasha

**Sasha !**

i need my GODDAMN tea tim

**Tim >:(**

CHRIST okay

guess its hate tim day… 

**Jon**

Oh, no, of course not.

That’s every day.

**You**

Oh my god

Are you always this funny?

That came out wrong actually sorry I just meant. 

**Jon**

No, it’s understandable. I’m… Not my best at work.

Usually I’m less of an asshole when I’m out of the Archives. Promise. At least, that’s what Georgie tells me.

**You**

Georgie?

**Jon**

Oh, sorry. She’s my flatmate.

**You**

Oh! Nice!

**Tim >:(**

are we just ignoring the fact that im dead?

am *i* the person having a bloody stroke?

sasha, am i having a stroke?

**Sasha !**

(shut up tim theyre having a moment)

**Tim >:(**

OHHHHH so its FIIIIIINE if im outright MURDERED but the moment i so much as interrupt a TENDER BONDING MOMENT im what? nothing?

**Sasha !**

yes actually. you did a good job summing it up

**Jon…!!**

Don’t be ridiculous, Tim.

**Tim >:(**

DONT BE RIDICULOUS SAYS THE PERSON WHO CALLED ME UNPROFESSIONAL AFTER THROTTLING ME

**Jon…!!**

No idea what you’re talking about.

**Tim >:(**

THATS IT THEN

I EXIT, STAGE LEFT, DYING IN A BLOODY EXPLOSION

**Jon…!!**

Sounds flashy enough for you, Tim.

**Tim >:(**

I DIE. I AM DEAD. GONE.

**Jon…!!**

What a shame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> martin: i hate homestuck i hate homestuck i hate homestuck i h  
> tim: i diagnose you with [wrong classpect]  
> martin: immediately leaves the chat, visibly so fucking angry
> 
> I WILL RIDE OR DIE WITH THE HC THAT MARTIN USED TO BE A HOMESTUCK FAN AND IS ASHAMED BY IT BECAUSE THATS ME. also see that jewish martin? that was hinted at? thats not going to be just mentioned once as a passing thing okay. im converting to judaism. jewish martin is very important to me. 
> 
> (also, in the future look for autistic, trans, etc. headcanons. cause im. yes)
> 
> also no one better comment on how its not 413 anymore. it is for ME all of you other timezone motherfuckers arent even real its only 11:20 pm here
> 
> anyway, find me at @transmartinkblackwood or @gaybard! send asks to transmartinkblackwood. i love getting asks. i also am a fucking bot give me words i will form aus or give you headcanon lists. all of my wips are created by me thinking of a single thing and going. yes i will write abt this now. i dont have a single finished work. 
> 
> anyway, thank you for reading, your comments mean so much to me, i enjoy being a court jester dancing to your every whim


	3. bossbaby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Tim >:(**  
> hey boss click this link  
> whore.gov.uk
> 
>  **Jon…!!**  
>  It’s not working.
> 
>  **Tim >:(**  
> no it totally is just go on click on it
> 
>  **Jon…!!**  
>  Tim, the link is broken. 
> 
> **Tim >:(**  
> no i promise its fine boss just try again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in advance: im sorry

**Tim >:(** _to_ **Jon…!!** _,_ **Sasha !** _and_ **Martin (You)**

9:23 AM

**Tim >:(**

this time on: what law does jon want his assistants to break now?

**Jon…!!**

I told you, I’m not asking you to break any laws.

**Tim >:(**

what youre asking is basically if i am willing to break into somewhere

you are asking me to do a b&e boss

which is breaking the law

**Sasha !**

to be fair jon you have asked me to hack into surveillance cameras and databases for statements...

**Jon…!!**

How else are we supposed to sift through this mess? It’s not like the police and such are going to just give us all of the information necessary for statements.

Not that I think any of you should bother really. Most of these statements are blatantly false.

**Tim >:(**

oh of course youd say that boss

too Sophisticated to believe in ghosts eh

**Jon…!!**

I’m hardly sophisticated.

**Sasha !**

yeah tim he looks like he got ran over by a car

**Jon…!!**

I’ll try not to take offense to that.

And for the record, I don’t *not* believe in the supernatural.

**Tim >:(**

could have fooled me!

**You**

What about the teeth one?

All the same exact tooth?

**Jon…!!**

I don’t think that counts so much as supernatural as just horrifying.

**Tim >:(**

delicious bag of teeth

**Jon…!!**

Disgusting. I’m going to fire you.

**Tim >:(**

you must love getting all those tallies boss!

because that makes SIX today!

**Sasha !**

are we shooting for a new world record??

**Tim >:(**

must be!

come on gang lets see if we can get it up to 10!

**Jon…!!**

I hate you. 

**Tim >:(** **  
** whatre you gonna do about it boss?

gonna fire me? yeah? gonna threaten to fire little old timothy stoker?

**Jon…!!**  
You wish.

**Sasha !**

MARTIN YOURE MISSING JON DRAGGING TIM AWAY SCREAMING AGAIN

**You**

Why does it always happen when I’m making tea?

Never hear about it when I’m just out doing something else. Just tea.

**Sasha !**

xoxo speaking of please bring tea asap ilyyy

**You**

I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who appreciates it anyway.

**Sasha !**

oh im pretty sure jon appreciates it lots xxx

**You**

Oh, um. Really?

**Tim >:(**

IM FINE THANK YOU FOR ASKING

**You**

Well, I have your tea if you want it,,

**Tim >:(**

oh yes thanks marto i would appreciate it very much

and im sure after the workout jon just got hed like his as well ;)

**Jon…!!**

Ah. Quite.

**You**

Uh sure ! I’ll be right down,,

**Sasha !**

we owe you our liiiife marto <3 <3 <3

**Tim >:(**

you keep the archives running truly a martyr

**Sasha !**

pretty sure you keep jon sane

**Tim >:(**

oh yes without your tea im pretty sure hed have gone off the deep end by now

**You**

Sgdkbsjgkjbdsbg,,,,

**Tim >:(**

martos first keysmash!!

**Sasha !**

congratulations on becoming gay xxx

**You**

,

Theres a lot to unpack there,

I’m going to stop replying now because I have 4 cups of tea

**Sasha !**

see? true martyr

3:15 PM

**Tim >:(**

hey boss click this link

whore.gov.uk

**Jon…!!**

It’s not working.

**Tim >:(**

no it totally is just go on click on it

**Jon…!!**

Tim, the link is broken. 

**Tim >:(**

no i promise its fine boss just try again

**Jon…!!**

Tim.

I have been clicking the link.

Furthermore, I can’t even find evidence for the website existing.

**Tim >:(**

no it definitely exists i know someone who made it

**Jon…!!**

Really? Because I’m searching for it and I get no results.

**Tim >:(**

your laptop must be broken again

see [IMG_196]

**Jon…!!**

That’s your text.

**Tim >:(**

boss i promise its really whore.gov.uk

you just have to press your finger against the link and it will take you to the website

**Jon…!!**

Timothy.

I know how hyperlinks work.

That. Link. Doesn’t. Work.

**Tim >:(**

alright boss i know youre old and all but its not this hard

its working just fine for me

**Jon…!!**

Sasha? Martin? Have anything to say?

No? I just have to suffer by myself? Alright.

**Tim >:(**

it must be so hard getting old...

**Jon…!!**

Tim.

You are older than me.

**Tim >:(**

,

im sorry?

**Sasha !**

i just choked on tea what the hell do you mean tims older

CHRIST martins actually choking

**You**

Its fine just wentdown the wrong pipe

Jons younger? Than Tim? Isnt Tim only 29?

**Tim >:(**

im absolutely charmed that you thought i was 29 marto but i am 31

**Sasha !**

i thought jon was at least 35!! his hair is going grey!!!

**Jon…!!**

It’s genetic. Not that this job helps any.

**Sasha !**

no wonder why your hairs going grey youre too young for this bloody job why did elias even hire you!!

**Jon…!!**

You’d think he would hire someone with any experience in filing or archives…

**Sasha !**

and you never thought it was suspicious? why he hired someone so underqualified??

it must be because he has some bloody nefarious plans that involve you jon

like hes going to try to make you bring the apocalypse after traumatizing you with these bloody statements

**Jon…!!**

I don’t know about that.

**Sasha !**

what else than a weird creepy cult thing??

like obviously he has to be body hopping hes too odd to be just...him

**Jon…!!**

Can we stop speculating about our boss who very much can appear at any moment?

**Tim >:(**

well if were not allowed to talk about our double boss then how old are you boss??

**Jon…!!**

.

28.

**Sasha !**

THAT ONLY CONFIRMS IT

a head archivist should AT LEAST be in their 30s 

AND THEY SHOULD HAVE EXPERIENCE

christ im 32 and i doubt im even qualified for it

its SKETCHY 

**Jon…!!**

And that’s what Georgie keeps telling me.

She keeps telling me to quit, but I’m already here, and I don’t think Elias would let me quit that easily if he really wanted me to be Head Archivist.

**Sasha !**

god hes going to end up brutally pipe murdering someone 

hes probably the person who killed gertrude! because she knew too much!

oh my god what if he comes after us next if he knows we Know

never forget me if i disappear and get replaced you know what happened

**Tim >:(**

this started off as an excuse to mess with you boss but now were in a bloody conspiracy

i cant believe our double boss ellis buttershard is actually JIMMY MAGMA

**Sasha !**

jimmy magma

**Tim >:(**

yes, founder of our institute

one of the jonas brothers

**Sasha !**

which one though?

**Tim >:(**

yes

**Jon…!!**

Well.

Nothing else we can do besides bow down to our immortal boss.

**Tim >:(**

our immortal boss who is secretly jared manlet

**Jon…!!**

Yes, our immortal boss who is secretly Jared Manlet.

  
  


**Sasha !**

when you accidentally start the apocalypse jon just remember that none of us think it will be your fault because jack maddie made you do it xx

**Jon…!!**

Thank you, Sasha, I’ll keep that in mind when I inevitably start the apocalypse.

**Sasha !**

<3 <3 <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> martin started actually choking because oh my gd jons actually the same fucking age as him
> 
> this chapter is slightly shorter than the other two... i try to keep 10 pages to a chapter (though the last was 13). this one only got 8. i was going to add more but it would be a different section and i dont want to rush out a bunch of information about this au tbh. cause theres a few differences. (look out for more georgie in later chapters :eyes:) but yeah its a bit shorter and i feel bad, sorry!!!
> 
> anyway! this fic has [fanart!](https://transmartinkblackwood.tumblr.com/post/615357550767079424/and-you-are-the-reason-im-smiling-when-there-is) i mean. i drew it. but its still for this fic. this universes martin specifically dyes his hair peach colored i dont take criticism!
> 
> thank you for reading, hope you enjoy my suffering, you can find me at @transmartinkblackwood for tma content or at @gaybard for general stuff! (also, thanks for the comments, i enjoy reading them, im just too awkward to try and reply, please understand,)
> 
> the next update will come... Sometime. Yes. i am just the vessel. i am just the scribe. it will come when it comes. stay tuned ;)
> 
> edit: totally forgot but that part where tim is hazing jon was partially based off of the avatar groupchat fic. it first came from my boyfriend doing the same exact thing to me. im not original. im a fraud im sorry


End file.
